Punished

Posted on May 15, 2012 by lisa

I was having a fantastic day.

The kids got to school ON TIME! I came home and decided to work on yard projects in the delicious morning sunshine, and got half of a new garden path finished before I ran out of sand. I then made lunch and got it to Little Monkey ON TIME! Then I raced to the gym and swam 15 laps, just to make sure I’d be able to log a respectable time in the upcoming triathlon. Back home, to add another coat of primer to kitchen cabinet doors, water some plants, pull some weeds. So much done! And everywhere I was supposed to be ON TIME!! The boys had tennis right after school, and I waffled about running up there to bring them a snack. Nah, I thought. They’ll be OK having a snack an hour late.

Little did I know.

The boys weren’t all that thrilled that I signed them up for tennis in the first place, but they’re halfway through the whopping 4 sessions, so I just told them to go to tennis after school. Well, Monkey decided he didn’t want to go. Problem is, he didn’t bother to tell me. So while I was pulling weeds at home and wondering if I was being neglectful by not delivering a 3:00 snack, my boys were running around at large at school.

I showed up at 4:00 and tiptoed into the gym to catch the end of the lesson. I scanned the room once, twice, and just as my stomach was dropping because I couldn’t find them, my little guy ran in. “Mommy, we didn’t go to tennis today,” he said, all informative.

Um, excuse me?

I pulled them out in the hall and proceeded to explain to them that not only was I upset that they didn’t do what I was trusting them to do, I was scared because no one knew where they were. The people who I was counting on to be responsible for them were not. What if something had happened? Who would know? They should have had the office call me if they ‘didn’t feel good’ (Monkey’s claim).

The boys were instantly chagrined, and then tearful. And then wailing. Oh, they felt bad. (Or at least Big Kid did. Monkey got over his remorse pretty quickly.) As punishment, I banned all electronics (computer games, ipods, TV, Xbox, etc) for the evening. As I made dinner, I was trying to decide if I hadn’t been harsh enough. Should I make them sit in their room all evening? Not allow them to play outside? I did make them clean their room first.

Scott pointed out (thankfully out of the boys’ earshot) that they hadn’t been trying to be sneaky, they just didn’t want to go. Did they really need to be punished? See, he tends to look at the specifics of the situation, and I tend to think about precedent. I figure that coming down on them harshly for a minor offense will leave a bad taste in their mouth for future temptations. But my reaction wasn’t at all that logical… I really did feel disappointed and scared. And I wanted them to know that.

Especially since Big Kid told his brother “Mom’s going to yell at us,” and they still chose to do it. (For my part, I’m pretty proud of managing only a marginally raised voice.)

What do you think? Did I punish too quickly or not enough? Comments, please!

 

 

Posted in boys, Parenting | 4 Comments

Angry

Posted on May 10, 2012 by lisa

There are so many emotional facets to the journey of raising children. Joy, pride, fear, laughter, uncertainty. And humility. Oh, the humility.

Little Monkey has really been struggling with his temper lately. We try to encourage the boys not to deny their feelings, but to help them find ways to express themselves that aren’t destructive. In other words, “it’s-ok-if-you’re-mad-just-don’t-punch-someone.” But the little guy is just so very…angry. Maybe volatile is the better word, since he can go from sunny to full thunderstorm in seconds, at [seemingly] the drop of a hat. I don’t really get it.

At least, I didn’t. Til Saturday.

That’s when we were driving around town, for some reason talking about how you’re not supposed to drive when you’re mad. And that’s when Scott made an offhand (and incredibly ill-advised) comment:

Scott to boys: “If you can’t drive when you’re mad, Mom wouldn’t be able to drive anywhere!”

Laughter from Scott and the peanut gallery in the back seat. Open-mouthed shock from the driver’s seat (me).

So then, of course, I was…well…pretty mad. And then I was mad about being mad, because it was like a self-fulfilling prophesy there. And really, if you’re not supposed to drive angry, then maybe some people just need to keep their mouths shut!

So. I was angry for a while. Probably a lot longer than I should have been. And then I started feeling sheepish, because (and don’t tell him I said this) maybe he was right.

Anger seems to be my first reaction to a lot of things. I’m kind of an impatient, sarcastic, sometimes not-very-nice person. Mostly, I think I manage to be understanding and look for the silver lining, but when push comes to shove, out comes the anger.

And so now we know where the Monkey gets it. *Sigh* From me. Dangit. I thought I was only gonna have to claim his adorable looks and creative streak. Well, I guess we get to work on talking without yelling and using words instead of hands together.

Comments? What’s your emotional challenge?

Posted in Parenting | 1 Comment

Buddies

Posted on May 2, 2012 by lisa

Big Kid got to have his friend birthday party last weekend. He said from the outset that he wanted to do a sleepover party, and my first inclination was to limit the number of kids, thankyouverymuch. So I sat him down to make a list. But as it got longer, instead of dread, I felt elation. I could only be happy that he had 10 close friends to invite, his first year at this new school. And I was thrilled to know each of them well enough to have a serious discussion with BK about who might be upset that they didn’t make the list.

So we invited them all. All ELEVEN of them. I figured only a couple would wind up staying the night, right? Most hadn’t been to our house before. But we wound up with 7 kiddos sleeping over (Little Monkey even got a little brother buddy to play with!). I was surprised and pleased that so many moms felt comfortable letting them stay. Scott and I were marveling that we were actually excited to have all these kids descending on our house (still a total mess from the unfinished kitchen project). We are homebodies, and we want our kids and their friends to want to hang around here. And all the parents seemed pretty comfortable, one of the moms letting herself in when we didn’t hear her knock because were chatting with some other parents in the back yard.

It was loud. And crazy. And REALLY REALLY LOUD. Scott hung in there like a trooper and I felt like I was in my element. Maybe it’s because I just really enjoy having people to boss around, and boys can take some loud bossing. (Hmmm…maybe that’s why I’m more comfortable around kids? I can boss them around??) Maybe it’s because I knew that as long as I had food and movies and some sort of sport, everyone’s expectations were pretty much met. Whatever the reason, the kids seemed to have a good time. Some played in the back yard, some played in the front. We had football and pizza and brownies and presents and kickball and movies and popcorn and I managed to have everyone asleep before midnight. And then we got up and had pancakes and sausage and eggs and Xbox and wii til the parents got here.

And then we had cleanup and soccer and laundry and all the usual Sunday stuff and by the end of the day I was ready to curl up and sleep for a week. But I would do it again, in a heartbeat.

I’m gratified that our boys seem to have made a pretty good home for themselves at this school…it feels like  our own little community, so much more than our old neighborhood and school did. Mostly, it is such a relief to realize that the changes we pursued over the past year really are paying off.

Comment me, baby!

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